I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
