My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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