I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
