I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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