Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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