The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Oh god it's open bar.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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