I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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