So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
