I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
