did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
