you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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