Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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