She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
