Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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