I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
