If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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