I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
what day is it and did you see me today?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
