I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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