I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
