I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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