You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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