Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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