Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
zippers are such a cool invention
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
