I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
