Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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