I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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