I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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