Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
