he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
