I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
