White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
