I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
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Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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