You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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