I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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