is your mom at the bar?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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