worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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