I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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