I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
