Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
