New invention idea: vibrating tampons
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
