Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
