i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
