My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
