I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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