Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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