i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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