I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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