your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
