I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
