So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
