So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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