I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.