This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished