What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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