Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
