I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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