There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
